THE FVK 2012 ANNUAL BLOG-A-THON!!! — Part 5: The Birds

“There are no second acts in American lives” – F. Scott Fitzgerald


‘Help me’. She said in a small but respectable voice ‘help me’

And so I did

I helped that copy of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ right out of the video store and straight into the metropolis that is FVK’s DVD collection.


And equally as standard, As soon as I had helped her to migrate, I left her.  Things never change.

That was 2 years ago now, and she still sits there, waiting to be watched.

I never worry about her being lonely.  How could she be lonely sailing in a sea of DVDs so dense and so salty it’s a miracle that her shiny underbelly hasn’t been scratched off by the water’s coarseness.  No I don’t worry about that, nor do I worry about her becoming ill, for she is, as far as I am aware, an inanimate object and immortal. She will outlive me by centuries, perhaps more.

Instead I worry that one day I will forget her. For unlike her I am able to forget.

I worry that one day I will visit my actor friend in his new pad, and after a warm presentation of his living room I notice ‘the birds’ sitting on his DVD shelf.

“It’s a nice copy” I will think

“Reasonable condition, no fading on the print, my  jammy finger prints along the spine…”

Yes, my finger prints… It’s my copy of the film… I must have forgotten about her.

Why is she there on my friend’s shelf? Had Robert come round my house and helped himself whilst I was in the pantry? Or had I lent it to Mr. Downey Jr out of my own good nature. I simply can’t remember.

Either way I must look a complete fool, and in front of one of my favourite actors. The only way to resolve the situation is to slit my friends throat with the DVD and remove his arms by squeezing the open case around his bulging, trunk like biceps.

So that is what I do.

After 10 minutes of crying I kiss him on the forehead and drag my depressed shadow away from his twisted, dead form.

As I leave the room he quietly wheezes… ‘help me’

I run back to express my sorrow and plead for his forgiveness. I wrap my arms around his blooded neck, screaming “FORGIVE ME!!!FORRRGIIVEE”

‘help me’

The words ‘help’ and ‘me’ timidly make their way into my ears again. But this time I notice that instead of originating from the already cold lips of my dead friend, these two little words came from the DVD I had spent the last 20 years neglecting. The DVD that now lay halfway across the room in three jagged, blood stained pieces.


the DVD I never watched, spoke one final time

Scary stuff

plus It’s been discontinued

really scary stuff

‘The Birds’ is one of those films that I always keep meaning to watch, but never get round to it

Maybe I’ll take it on tour and try to squeeze it in.

“hey drew, grab ‘the birds’ we’ll watch it whilst we’re on tour”

“sorry dude I can’t find it” says drew “I think you lent it to Robert”




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