You ASS sked. You Gscrot. It’s an FVKristmas! Part II (Kerrang Introducing)

Is that? Could it be!? Do mine eyes sniff the quaint clamour of sleigh-bells jingling in the snowy winter air!!!?

“Yes, yes they do!” Say’s a thick voice – like the clicks and spits of a warm open fire – from behind me.

Do I turn? Could it true be he,
the man I was told was just a myth,
the paragon of festivity?
Santa Claus the prince of glee!

I turn, tentatively at  first – but now I can smell the roasted chestnuts on his breath, the pine sap on his gloves, I feel the warmth emanating from him!

But when I turn, oh goodness how wrong i’d been! It’s a giant flabby Vampire in a dirty bobble hat, with twisted claws and a lolling tongue.

I kick him hard and make a note,
That it wasn’t chestnuts in his throat,
Nay, what he had been feasting on,
Was my friend Drew’s voluptuous bum!
And on his gloves no sap of pine,
But thick dark blood like christmas wine,
And as I take in hand my gun,
He scrambles forth and starts to run,
And I see the bells were not reindeer,
They were headless corpses chained to his rear,
So with every step that brute did take,
Those shackles rattled like a sleigh,
But the kind of guy I am you see,
Is one that one should not deceive,
So I filled that sucker full of lead,
And took his bloody corpse to bed.

Merry Christmas Everyone! Aroyoru!

Any hoo mchoo on the roo at  half past three. It’s time to be serious, so lets start this section with.


Yes Sirs and Gentlegirls, it’s all happening, literally a glittery week of dreams come true.

“WHY?” you cry, well maybe you don’t cry, but you ask aggressively.

I’ll tell you for why my buttery friends. Number one it’s Christmas. We’ve been getting gifts, scrapbooks that make us cry, buying gifts for other people, watching Christmas films, drinking way too much mulled wine, etc…

Number two, Kier missioned it to Stoke or someshit to pick up our new van – Subo’s bigger daughter Opti-miss-prime. She’s massive, has room to sleep six and carry all the gear, and may even have a working tape player!!!!

Number three, I don’t  know if any of you have seen this, but Kapow! 


First, i’ve just got to say without you guys (you know who you all are) this ^ would never have happened, you made everyone go “how the hell did this band come out of nowhere with no record deal, money, famous friends or coverage. The answer is we had REAL people – not just figures – who gave a shit 🙂 so CHARRS 😉 XXXXXXX + Katie P and Paul Harries being massive legends!!

You know it’s difficult to describe the feeling of opening up your favourite  magazine and seeing a picture of your band staring back at you when you turn the page. I remember seeing some of my favourite bands in there growing up; We Are Scientists, A  Day To Remember more  recently, even The Rasmus who were massive when we were kids! It was always such a big deal checking it out, seeing whether you could beat your mates and discover a new  band first.  Being in there – it’s one of those moments where you go, “ok we must finally be doing something right!” but of course that doesn’t mean we can  get content!!! It’s only the first step on a fuck-off massive staircase, but it is a start. 🙂 THANKYOU ALL FOR HELPING US GET THERE!!!!!!! But remember, still a long way to go 🙂

Four: On thursday, that’s tomorrow!, we get our album which is like woooooooo. Kapow. Fantasmagasmic. I can’t wait to sit there, stuffing my face with mince pies, repeatedly re-reading the kerrang article and listening to the album – probably crying silky tears of joy… 😉 Ok i’m not that sad, but this is setting up to be one of  the best weeks of our lives! And I promise you, it’s going to be the best thing since… Definately since the last WHAM! album. We got At War With The Thirst on monday and OMG the those boys at outhouse have made us sound somethin’ special, praise fukka!

Tonight, those of  us that can fit it in are, fingers crossed, going to hazard our way through the other “best christmas film ever” —— Scrooged!!

[Elliot (above) points a shotgun right in Frank’s face]
Elliot: Hello, wabbit!
Frank Cross: Could you give me a head start?
Elliot: Sure. One thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three!
[he fires]

[Props man tries to attach antlers to a mouse]
Props man: I can’t get the antlers glued to this little guy. We tried Crazy Glue, but it don’t work.
Frank Cross (Scrooge): Did you try staples?

while simultaneously wrapping presents, dyeing hair, and meeting friends. Exciting times mah-fah!

So  enjoy your Christmas, I’ll speak to you before new year!! And make sure you buy Kerrang and tell them how much you love the picture. Maybe they’ll let us take some more — WITH REAL SWORDS!!!!!! 🙂
Until my next letter, or never…


81 thoughts on “You ASS sked. You Gscrot. It’s an FVKristmas! Part II (Kerrang Introducing)

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